Things have been getting better, I went bowling last night which perked up my spirits. The people I went bowling with are such genuinely nice people, it was a relief. I was planning to go to another friends house, but he called after I had already made these plans so I couldn't go,sorry. It was a pretty good night which just took my mind of everything, which I needed to do badly. I got the first good night of sleep I had gotten in a week and I am grateful for that. You just need to let go once and a while and just forget everything that is happening in your life. Stop analyzing for one second and live. Like a breath of fresh air. We are supposed to be putting up the tree tonight but as always it ended up in a fight between my parents. It's so lame, they were fighting about which person got the tree stand that didn't fit last year, and doesn't fit this year. So my mom went to wal mart mad and my dad stayed here mad.....hopefully the stand she brings home will be good, or the F word is gonna fly in my house tonight. It's so stupid what they argue about though, it is like they are children again, and this happens a lot too. Really stupid stuff to fight over. I think they both need to cool down and just think about what the hell they are fighting about. I don't know, I'm out.

Thought of The Day: BLAHHHHH
Song Of The Day: RHCP- Midnight

Vacation.....at last. I need this thing so badly. I just need a week and a half to collect my thoughts and get everything together. Today was so strange, it felt like it was so so long. I had the concerts this morning, then the classes went by so slowly even though they were 20 minutes. I also did something pretty stupid today and told some people some things that I shouldn't have told them. Like I said to a few of you, I was off today......really off. I never act like I did today, I just isolated myself completely from everyone, it felt like freshman year all over again. If you don't know, freshman year I was painfully shy and reserved, I got so nervous just trying to start conversation. That was also the year I started drifting away from my "friends." I have seen a trend in any relationship I ever get into, friend,romantic ,whatever. Every time I just plunge into it unknowingly and completely begin to trust. I truly believed that all people were good,I am completely naive. Every time I got to close to someone......they would just do something that hurt me so deeply that I didn't know how to react. Everytime I get too close to someone,they end up hurting me. That's where the problem lies, I want so badly to get close to some of you but I really fear that the second I do it will all go to crap. I end up avoiding,ignoring and trying to keep my distance from the people I want to get so close to, the people who I know won't hurt me but can't help but think they will. I have other things on my mind, but that is mostly it. If you know what this is like you know how hard it is to keep pushing back the ones you love, it's not a matter of not caring......it's a matter of not getting destroyed emotionally. I don't know, I'm out.

Thought of The Day: When you are lonely, it doesn't matter what the reasons are.....you just know you are alone.
Song Of The Day: Silverchair- Untitled

This is as close to falling apart as I've ever come,but dammit I know I will not fall down without getting right back up. It's hard sometimes but you have to percivere,I just hope I'm strong enough to do it. It's happend before and it hurts, but this time is different....I think it might hurt just a little more. It's bound to happen, and when it does I just hope I don't fall too far.......last time changed the way I acted and thought, I don't want to change again.

How quickly things change in this confusing thing called life. Yesterday, I was so happy just because of a silly hockey game,that's all it took. Today though, I wasn't myself at all. It just seemed like an exact opposite from yesterday, like something changed and I didn't take notice of it. You can feel when things change you just have no idea why or how they changed. It just happend, I woke up went to school and suddenly felt like it was all so pointless, like I was just running in endless circles. I felt so damn lonely and I don't know why, I almost never feel lonely especially in a place where I have many friends. I don't know if they could tell something was a bit off today, but it was. I kept thinking about all the chances I had that as soon as they came, I lost. I never feel regret,never....but today I did. It was the first time all year I felt completely sure that nothing anyone could say would change the way I felt. Dammit, why do we have to feel. Emotion only causes pain in life, but we still strive to keep it,hold onto it for one moment. False hopes, dreams that we know are impossible but dammit we still try. I am so sick at trying so hard at the things I really want and falling flat on my face, when the things I really couldn't care about just happen,like when I had a good report card. I couldn't give a crap about my report card or my grades, nice to know they were ok......but I wanted so badly for something else to happen and it just didn't. I hate to feel, but can't help it. I cling to false notions that everything will be ok if I just try hard enough,well that isn't true. I've tried so hard and it never happens,never. I mean things happen, but not the things I want. This sounds so damn selfish, what have I got to complain about. I gotta get ready for my concert,I'm out.

Thought of The Day: Gone away,it's the same old,same old song.
Song Of The Day: Fuel- Daniel

Well....we lost today in hockey. To tell you the truth though, I'm not that disappointed, it really was a good game. They were bigger,faster and had harder shots.....what else can be said. We tried our damndest though, and it was much closer than the score leads it on to be.(5-0) It was 0-0 at half....then we kind of fell apart. I love playing hockey so much though, that win or loss it's all good. It was funny, it was the most fun I've had in a while.....except for the part where I was fighting with mr.Mazella for the puck,there is no getting around that guy at all. hehe. Life is so good, and I'm just realizing this. Instead of wondering what to do the next day, I 'm having fun just living today.Well I'm out,gotta go eat some stuff.

Thought of The Day: IT WAS IN!!!!
Song Of The Day: none yet

Have you ever had the feeling that you are just running in circles in life, like things always seem to happen no matter how much you change? Well I'm feeling like that right now. I've changed so much since even last year, I've met new people, I've gotten intellectually smarter, hell I even changed physically.....but emotionally it's all the same. I still always end up feeling acquard around those I don't know, even when they are perfectly nice people. I know I should feel a certain way but I can't seem to feel it, I always end up feeling the opposite. I know what I want in life, but I can't grasp it. I know I'm not the only one that has felt that, far from it, but I'm starting to feel it more and more. I fall into childish habits dealing with emotion, petty anger, jealousy, and being shy. I think the shy thing continues to plague me more than anything. I want to say so many things that would just entirely take a load off my back, but dammit I can't say them. I want to act a certain way, I want to be someone I'm not...... I guess I just have to accept it though, I'm me. I know for the rest of my high school time I will get flastered around a girl I like, or get embarrased when I say something wrong.....but I guess that is ok. No one really is what they want to be, they are just reaching in vain for the person they want to be..."the ideal" person. No one even sees though that to others you are the ideal person, you are absolitely amazing. I wish I could tell people that I know that because it is true, some people are just so amazing and don't even realize it. No one can look in, but try just for a second to see the positive stuff....it's damn hard. We only see negative in ourselves, and it makes us who we are. That's why we can never become "ideal".......we only see the negative. Tommorrow or any day before Christmas I want anyone who reads this to walk up to someone else and just tell them they are amazing, and list positive aspects. It may sound corny, but you know what....I like corny and corny is good. Haha.....I don't even know if any of this made sense.....as always try to get something out of it.....it could help. I'm out.

Thought of the Day: coolbeans
Song of The Day: Ben Folds- Fired