Something is wrong.

Oh What Can I Do

"In the light I am living and I can feel the power rushing through my veins"

Whoa boy...I kinda neglected this over the summer in a really bad way. For some reason I felt absolutely no need to write in it while away from school, like my life just paused and I fell into limbo. It is strange though that the summer never really felt that eventful at all, it felt like a missed chance for something that I cannot place my finger on. This is not to say though that the summer was a complete waste of time, far from it in fact. It was incredibly nice to become closer to friends that for a long time I had kept at an arms distance unintentionally. It seemed like we all kind of hit the same page all at once and it all just clicked while conversely I fell out of step with certain people. There was no malice intended and oddly enough the drifting was natural, something that really cannot be controlled sometimes. It is when you force friendship that you know you are in trouble, it is something that really has to come naturally.
Speaking of coming naturally, I also found out this summer that caring for hormone driven, just entering puberty, hunterdon county pre-teens really is not my true life calling. In fact, this job just about swore me off of having children...ever. Ok, so maybe that was a little drastic...let's just say that my patience wore thin quickly with this group of kids. This is a startling fact in its own right seeing as I have almost unlimited patience for almost any situation, which is both a blessing and a curse. These kids basically drove me fucking insane almost everyday I was with them but somehow I still enjoyed the job. You may be saying to yourself, if you didn't like the kids then why did you enjoy your job? It is really quite simple:
1.My Co-Workers
2.The 5-6 kids that really made the job worth it
My co-workers were absolutely hilarious people that were nothing but kind to me and to (most) of the children. I thought we worked well together even if I wasn't the most vocal co-worker (fuck you shyness, by the way) and I would be happy to consider any one of them a friend. It is unfortunate that we only had a few times to hang out outside of work but when we did get that chance it was always a good time. The other reason I was able to stay sane and dare I say it content at work was the small minority of kids who made my day an absolute blast. These few kids were funny, kind, able to listen and always said courteous things. One in particular was absolutely amazing as she had no money to come to camp but was sponsored by a local family to attend. This girl was thankful for absolutely everything we did and the sense of wonder, contentment and excitement she showed on every trip absolutely warmed my heart. This kid was simply the most enjoyable child I have ever dealt with because she truly appreciated what she was being given and savored every moment.
So that brings me to the start of the school year(yes yes, I skipped my vacation in Canada but it really wasn't that eventful anyways. Here let me break it down: 8 read books, sitting on the beach, riding a bike, walking, gambling crazy amounts of canadian money, father driving me nuts,Montreal, fire and mother fucking UNO craziness)which I sure as hell hope is better than last year. To put it bluntly last year sucked so damn much I refuse to have another like it ever again. The reasons are so plentiful for the absolute horror but to explain them all would take up both mine and your time, which I do not want to do. So instead I will just say that I will just trying to be living this year on hope, luck and faith. Not traditional faith mind you (no offense God) but faith in the fact that if you work hard enough and do good things...you will get your fair due. Faith in karma you may call it. Let's face it, it is the only faith I can really provide.

Song Of The Day: Israel Kamakawiwo'ole- Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Trip a day keeps travel camp away

"I've got a story, it's almost finished"

Oh dear lord Travel Camp is starting to really get rolling. This has been a very trying week work wise but if this is bad as it gets...I can handle it. Per YMCA policy I cannot divulge details about any campers but I think I can kind of break it down to a mathematical formula- 1 Brian+ 30 Good Campers + 6 Hellish Demons who wish to eat my soul= exhaustion.

I kinda let my blog take a giant vacation for the past few weeks which isn't cool but I have had no urge to write in it. If I don't get the urge...why the hell bother with it.

Song Of The Day: Gomez- Shot Shot

Why Can't We Overcome This Wall

"You gave me more to live for, More than you'll ever know"

Yup, still can't find a job...I'm actually up to 14 applications out right now, including a 4 day job( literally...lasts 4 days) and a job that was cancelled due to budget cuts which I actually got. I have been doing odd jobs around the house out of boredom without cash compensation and believe me, no one would want to do these jobs out of the goodness of their heart.

I've been in a slight funk lately but it is probably due to the fact that I don't have a job yet. You feel so unaccomplished when you cannot get employed, you feel like a giant failure. My lack of success is not due to lack of trying though as I have handed in applications at almost any place I could think. I'm sure I will find a job soon though...even if it is at Shop Rite.

I don't feel like writing anymore, so have a good one folks.

Song of The Day: Jeff Buckley- Last Goodbye

I Am The Rain King

"I'm alive but I'm sinking in"

I have been on a Counting Crows kick lately and I have absolutely no idea why. Laura tried to get me into them while we were dating and I just wasn't digging it then one day this week I decided to DL "August and Everything After". I listen to the song "Rain King" and now I cannot stop listening to this band. The lyrics are superb and I am getting used to the vocals slowly but surely. Maybe it is just that the mood I have been in lately has completely connected with this band, a case of circumstance and sheer luck. Whatever it is, count me as a fan of the Counting Crows from this day forward.

The Rangers were eliminated from the playoffs in a 4 game sweep from the Devils. Although I went to each one of these games and was disappointed each time, I could not be prouder of the team the Rangers put together this year. We may have completely run out of gas and completely broke down near the end of the year but one must remember that it is a rebuilding process. Just making the playoffs is a step in the right direction and next year we can build on it. I have high hopes for next season...it should be a good one.

I wrote a 30 page paper on TDP(Thinness Depiction and Promoting)and I must say that a question that has a simple answer can sometimes be harder to explain than a complex issue. I had to cite about 15 studies to prove that being exposed to media images of thin women distorts the view of what is a normal weight. This sounds horribly easy but believe you me, this is so much harder to explain then I ever thought it could be. This does mark the longest college paper I have written thus far though and that makes me kinda proud. I didn't die or stress out to the point of sickness, I can handle huge papers relatively well. I just don't want to ever write a paper that long ever again. haha.

Thursday I am done, two exams standing in my way...let's fuck up this shit so I can relax for a while.

Song Of The Day: Counting Crows- Round Here

14 Years Of My Life

My life has never remained stagnant. Much like everyone else, 14 years ago I was a completely different person in every sense humanly possible. Shy, reserved, scared and completely humorless...at age 6 I do not hardly resemble the person I am today. This fact alone makes it even more amazing that one thing in my life has remained and probably always will: my love of hockey and the New York Rangers. I can still remember being 7 years old and watching the Rangers win the Stanley Cup in 1994...the TV announcer Sam Rosen screamed, "The long wait is over...the Rangers are the Stanley Cup Champions!!!" I jumped up and down in childish glee knocking over various magazines and a vase but I didn't care, I was just so damn happy at that moment. My father, who had never been a hockey fan before I introduced him to it, lifted me up and spun me around as my mom bounced in the corner yelling with happiness. This memory remains vivid in my mind as does the memory of Mike Richter's shootout save against Pavel Bure and the Mark Messier gurantee. I cannot for the life of me remember much else from that year except for the Stanley Cup win, it truly defined 1994 for me and the mere mention of the year makes me smile. Call it sad or obsessive but my love for the team has not gone down since that point. Even after the 7 years of absolutely horrible teams which had overpriced veterans dragging their feet in MSG...I stood by them. That is the true testament of a fan, staying with your team as you stink up the NHL year after year.

Now, that brings me to this year. A Sports Illustrated poll picked us to be dead last in the league as we were supposed to be having a "rebuilding" year. For those that don't know, a rebuilding year means you have a bunch of young, unproven players and will most likely suck. Even I did not have faith in this team in the beginning of the year, with a bunch of rookies and seemingly washed up veterans in front of a perrenial back up goalie in Kevin Weekes. We had a superstar who was known for being difficult to coach and a coach who had a horrible track record. Every indication this year was that this team would completely suck and we would not make the playoffs for a record 8 years. I remember opening night against the Flyers, who were supposed to be Stanley Cup contenders, and just thinking, "I hope we do not get embrassed too badly this game...they are such a better team" The final score of the game was 5-3 in favor of the Rangers, as we stormed back in the third period to come back and win. When this happend I thought it was a nice surprise but no indicator of the rest of the season. I was trained as a Rangers fan to never put too much faith into my teams work ethic or ability when it came to the regular season. I was trained incorrectly.

A strange thing began to occur as the season wore on, we started to win more and more. The team was gelling quicker than expected, the penalty kill was outstanding and Jaromir Jagr was having one of the best seasons of his career. More than that though, this team was working harder than any team I had seen since 1994. Even in our losses, we never gave up and were rarely blown out of the water. If we were down one or two goals going into the third, we would fight back and more often than not we would tie it or flat out win it. In years past, a defecit going into the third basically meant the game was over. Not only that but we had goaltending once again in New York. Ever since the departure of Mike Richter, New York had been without an honest to God starting goaltender. It was only when Kevin Weekes went down in injury did a rookie named Henrik Lundqvist get a start. Lundqvist was an unknown late round draft pick who was a superstar in Sweden but was deemed not ready for NHL action. Henrik Lundqvist would go on to be nicknamed King Henry, dominate games with his presence and become one of the most loved players in New York. Not only did he win over 30 games as a rookie but he also won a gold medal in the olympics for team Sweden. Henrik fought and won the starting goalie gig in NY over Kevin Weekes. Not to be outdone, another rookie started to make noise in NY during the year. The small(5'8") and speedy Petr Prucha started the year in the minor leagues but was called up a few weeks into the season. Prucha scored over 30 goals this year and became a fan favorite with his tenacious play and was only slowed down when he hurt his knee. This was the future of the Rangers playing like they had something to prove.

So while the Rangers hit a 5 game losing streak at the end of the year, we made the playoffs and will play the NJ Devils in the first round. We once again play underdog against a hot team that is one of our most bitter enemies. I think this team is not done proving that they belong in the elite of the NHL and will not drop the work ethic that got them this far. It has been 7 years since a playoff game has been played at MSG and this Wednesday, along with Matt and Ian(my converted Ranger fans), we will witness the Rangers take the ice against the Devils in the Stanley Cup Playoffs in New York. I am satisifed enough with this season, but there is so much more out there to prove. We can do this because honestly I believe in this team as much as the 94 team, possibly even more. We can break out of the slump, we can beat the Devils and we can sure as hell win the Stanley Cup. I have faith and it is a wonderful thing. Rangers in 06...you gotta believe. Let's go Rangers.

Well hey there kids...do you want to learn about BIPOLAR DISORDER?

"I picture you in the sun, wondering what went wrong"

Ah yes, I am indeed writing a paper on bipolar disorder. It is actually a really interesting psychological disorder which has biological origins but only affects you mentally. It is like your body waging war on your mind via neurotransmitters and genetics, really kinda cool. Looking at all the symptoms though it is easy to see why it is misdiagnosed so often, it mirrors ADD, depression and about 5 other psychological disorders...so it often goes untreated until 5 years after initial diagnosis. 5 years without treatment, going through manic and depression stages with respites in between...it boggles the mind.

Well, other than neurological disorders I haven't done much lately...I have been kind of quiet lately to be honest as far as interesting thing goes. I sometimes believe I am a victim of my own thoughts, so I don't really do much.

Song of The Day: In The Sun- Joseph Arthur

Move It Along

"The hand that he lends her is able and tender, Never a step to chance"

Well, it seems I forgot about my blog completely during my hellish week before break and basically the entire time while I was on break. There is much to talk about, almost none of which I will actually talk about. The break was much more fenzied then it should have been but ended on a very high note with a trip into New York to see the Rangers. The game and night in general was just a fun time, a very relaxed feel that lacked at certain times during break. The day I came back...all I will say is that it was interesting. Since then, I have tried to drop a class and only found failure to the point that I will be doing all the written work for it over the summer but still attending class. Now THAT is fucked up.

Side Note: There is this website out there that has been making me happy for a few moments a day for the past couple of weeks, it is twisted but hilarious and updated every day. Here is the link: http://www.marriedtothesea.com

I have a psychology test I really should be studying for but it has suddenly hit me that I really don't care about this class that much. I of course will get around to studying but for the time being, I really see no need. Where has my motivation gone? I ask myself this often and I have figured out it is still there but lately has been put into other parts of my life. I cannot be completely focused on my school work and be focused on my life outside grades and class at the same time without something taking a hit. To put it simply, when I split motivation between the two...I do not do as well as I can in either. I would like to be able to say I can succeed at both to the fullest potential and one day I may be able to do it but as of now, one affects the other. The only thing holding me back is my mind, how nice.

I don't normally do this in a public forum but I feel the need tonight and all you lucky readers get to hear what is actually on my mind. This has been the most stressful few months of my entire life and I almost lost it many times during it. I tried my best to hold it in and laugh everything off or simply try not to think about it but it doesn't work. What you push down will only come out in another aspect of your life, which will cause more problems. I guess I have had trouble dealing with the illness in my family, with my mom and my aunt. I just never wanted to talk about it or think about it, even though it is always on my mind. It scared the hell out of me to see my mom put into such a helpless position and then to see it happen again to my aunt. I already lost one aunt because of breast cancer, my grandmother lost a breast to it and it just haunts my entire family. It is a sick waiting game to see who get's it next, a wait that no one should have to endure. I always wonder if my other aunts are next, or if my mother or grandmother will get it again. I also think about when I have children, if I have a daughter...she will be so prone to the disease. These things just have been laying into me to the point where I just cannot think anymore and kind of shut down. When I do this though, it ends up screwing with other aspects of my life. I am not the same person I was a few months ago and I fully realize that and am sorry for it. Those who know me, especially those that know me at school on a daily basis, I cannot for the life of me know how to be the person I once was. As a friend recently told me, I do indeed have flashes of my laid back and self deprecating self. These are just flashes though, moments where I remember what makes me happy in life and what has worked for me in the past. It seems that there seems to be a rash of people trying to find themselves lately and I would just like to officially add myself to those ranks. I cannot place blame on family issues, school issues or personal issues though...I should be able to fight through this shit and come out the other side still intact. Instead of one step forward and two back, I want to go forward or by this point just remain in place. I often wonder if all of this, all of the drama, sadness, frustration, happiness, loneliness and bittersweet acceptance of things out of my control will eventually make me a better person. Does adversity make you stronger or weaker in the end? I think both. You will be a stronger person for having braved it but you will often lose a part of yourself which you had held dear. It could be innocence or long held feelings which just do not have a place in your new life. We are never quite set in our ways completely, the flux of humanity can destroy or enlighten a person. I would like to believe it is a natural progression but I cannot, simply because people never react the same way to an experience. Sure everyone has felt happiness, joy, pain, sadness...but how the hell did they react to it? Similar as we are in our society, social groups, and biological progression...we all end up different when we reach the end. Enter the same, leave completely differently. That is why trying to find your place in it all can be an impossible task for some but comes naturally to others. We are never the same, compared to others and compared even to ourselves. I am just trying to hold onto the person I loved being but something tells me I will end up losing something at the end of this, what that is...I have no idea. I have rambled on for entirely too long and quite honestly, just typed exactly what I was thinking at the moment...which can sometimes prove disasterous. If you get anything from this, more power to you...I was just happy to let a little of mind out.

The Persian Rug Mouse Pad and Deliberately Being Alone

"Believe in me"

It is always interesting when you have absolutely nothing to say but your mind is still polluted by thoughts. The focus wants to come down to help the mind but somehow it just never get's there...so you are simply left with a jumble of random ideas and dreams. We spend a lot of our time in the "What if..." mindset sometimes, which can just either destroy you or enlighten you. Having taken our lives at face value I believe no one can say they don't have a foolish dream, something that pops into their head about 3 minutes before they go to bed at night. The human body cannot just shut down when your head hits that pillow( unless you are narcoleptic in which case...pillow and bed really aren't necessary to just fall asleep), so you have that 5-10 minutes of rolling around, adjusting your pillow and maybe listening to music. In that 5-10 minutes, what do you think about? Do you look over the day you just had, do you dream of someone you covet or already have or do you just simply dream about something that can never happen? It doesn't really matter to be honest, we all get inside our own heads from time to time to look at our lives. It is in this time at night that I find myself pretty content, imagining unreal situations and events. Does this make me a idealist, someone who cannot function in the real world? I seriously doubt that but it is something to consider because hey, I cannot read minds and gauge how much people do this as opposed to myself. Maybe I am light on the dreaming or maybe I am heavy but I pity anyone who doesn't take those 5-10 minutes at night to just detatch yourself from the world that surrounds you. You'd be surprised to find out what you really want in life if you just drift a bit. Also this is the time where you come up with the best ideas to carry out for the next day...which you inevitably forget the next morning because you were too lazy to get up at night and write them down. Many creative visions have been lost to sleep and an inability to get up and pick up a damn pen. I guess what I am trying to say is 5-10 minutes to escape is well worth it for one day, I don't know how I would function without it.

Song Of The Day: Never Say Never- That Dog

King Henry The Great

Lunny is having a pretty good rookie year...gold medal, starter for the Rangers, rock star in Sweden. Not too shabby at all.