Excuse the bitchin' - I shouldn't complain
I should have no feeling, 'cuz feeling is pain
as everything I need is denied me
and everything I want is taken away from me
but who do I got to blame?
Nobody but me
-weezer "The Good Life"

Here I stand, sad and free
I can't cry, I can't see
What I've done
God, what have I done

Don't you know I'm numb, man?
I can't feel a thing at all
Now it's all smiles and business these days
I'm indifferent to the loss
I have faith that there's a soul somewhere
That's leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is up and which is down
-Ben Folds Five "Evaporated"

And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make.
-The Beatles "The End"

another night slips away
in other words i should say
there are no words he should say
there are no words
-Ben Kweller "In Other Words"

When I find my thoughts
It seems I'm losing myself
In the dark of my mind
And the ocean of time
So I read between the cracks
In the time that I write
But the salt water's dry
And the pain's in the sky

Give me something real
Something I can feel
Because the truth feels like a movie

All you do is ramble
Discard your life for shambles

Ramble
To break the silence
Open up and ramble
To break the silence and open your mind
Leave it behind you

No longer engaged
To insecure scars
'Cause nothing's secure
It's just kept behind bars
And I love everything
You've learnt to ignore
But you don't wanna hear
If you've heard it before

I'll give you something real
Something you can feel
You take your life and make of it what you can

Open up your mind
Stop thinkin' 'bout all of the things you will never show

'Cause all you do is ramble
So light another candle
-Silverchair "Ramble"

in a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
i was trying so hard to fit in, fit in,
until i found out
i don't belong here
-Switchfoot "Beautiful Letdown"

never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters
-Metallica "Nothing Else Matters"

i sit here clutching useless lists
and keys for doors that don't exist
i crack my teeth on pearls
i tear into the history
just show me what it means to me in this world

'cause i am due for a miracle
i'm waiting for a sign
i'll stare straight into the sun
and i won't close my eyes
'til i understand or go blind

i see the parts but not the whole
i study saints and scholars both
no perfect plan unfurls
do i trust my heart or just my mind
why is truth so hard to find in this world
yeah in this world

'cause i am due for a miracle
i'm waiting for a sign
i'll stare straight into the sun
and i won't close my eyes
'til i understand or go blind

i know that there's a point I've missed
a shrine or stone i haven't kissed
a scar that never graced my wrist
a mirror that hasn't met my fist
but i can't help feeling that i'm

due for a miracle
i'm waiting for a sign
i'll stare straight into the sun
and i won't close my eyes
-Thrice "Stare At The Sun"

Yeah, that is about what it feels like. I am too lazy to do the talking, so I let others do it for me.Later.

I am tired. Yes, I am physically tired from school and other activities.....but I am emotionally tired. For about 3-4 years now I have ridden a continual rollercoaster of emotions, and I am just very tired of it. I have held onto the same feelings in so many different cases, and it has only ended with depression and regret. I am so tired of this in fact, that I am now attempting to just stop everything and just give up on it all. The continual runarounds got old and I just want to stop feeling. I know that is physically impossible, to stop feeling....but maybe I will just not act on emotion to as where I did before. I don't know the answer, but I know that it is torture sometimes to just feel. Now, I am not saying my life sucks or anything like that, it certainly doesn't. I just feel a large hole in my life that nothing has been able to fill, I have attempted to fill it, but it remains. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. This year is one that I want to remember as a good year, not like the other three years I have spent in high school. I think to do that, I really have to force myself to not get caught up in an emotional mess over and over again. I regret some things I did, but I also regret the things I didn't do. That is part of the problem, I have let so many things slip away by acting like myself.....being reserved and too damn scared to do much else. It is pathetic the way my own irrational fear has lead me to torture myself into thinking that I am not good enough, even when I know I am. I underestimate myself and I realize that entirely.....but I can't stop the self image I have of myself. I look in the mirror and just try to see myself as others would, try to be the person I know I can be, but putting that into practice is much harder than just telling yourself over and over that you are ok. It is not ok. I am not ok. I fucking bitch in this thing over and over again and I think all of you by now must be tired of it. Well, I only write when I am angry, depressed or just bored.....so not much of the bright stuff shines through. That is because the way I act everyday, the people I talk to and the way people see me is bullshit. I am in some ways like the person you see, but mostly I am just so nervous that I ramble on stupid things. I try to be funny because I am afraid to be anything other than that. Humor is a side to me, but there are other sides that just never seem to come out. I am a very private person ( believe it or not) and what people read here and see in me is just the surface. I am sure it is that way for many other people as well, but again....nobody is willing to take a chance on getting judged anymore. We have gotten entirely too comfortable in our own shoes and showing anymore of ourselves is seemingly out of the question. Well, I am tired of that as well. So here are some things I don't think many people know about me. I love to cook,I still own and play the original nintendo, I have always wanted to know how to play the piano, my greatest fear is rejection, I am only happy when others are happy, I sometimes lock myself in my room for hours and just listen to music, I almost died when I was born, at age 3-4 and at age 11, I had an almost fatal ear infection when I was small, I was not born with freckles, I was born with red hair, I fear large groups of people, I cannot watch TV downstairs in my house alone, I have to have windows closed in my room, I like to wear glasses, I am 2 completely different people around two groups of people, I don't like to be home alone, I always have to be doing something, I sympathize with charlie brown, I firmly believe that everyone is lonely in some way, there is no perfection, and that true happiness is something that happens only once in life, I hate mayonnaise, I am growing farther apart from my distant family, I want to change, I sometimes shed one single tear at night for no reason at all right as I am falling asleep( don't ask me about that one, I don't even know), even though I suck at it....I draw, I also write a lot, I believe that I lie too much, I am afraid of what my life will become, I stopped having birthday parties at 9 and stopped trick or treating at 10, I like to sing, I am proud to be in a marching band, I tried to play the guitar for one month then gave up, I give most of my stuff away, I am afraid to ask for things or correct people, I am lazy, and finally.....I hate sweaters. There, that is a bunch of stupid things that few to no people know about me. What you will do with this info? nothing really, I just wanted to prove a point. There is so much that we don't know about people, and so much people keep hidden in life...it boggles my mind sometimes. You know, I think I changed my mind. I do want to feel, and I think the circles I keep running will eventually turn out into something. I will keep making the same mistakes, and dammit.....I am fucking happy about that. I realized as I was writing that useless information that I am happy to be myself, and no matter how I may see myself I know that I am not that bad of a person. I am imperfect and I wouldn't have it any other fucking way. This damn blog really is my therapy....interesting.

Thought of The Day: Forever haunted more than afraid.
Song Of The Day: AFI- This Time Imperfect

PS. If you read all of that, I commend you and thank you for putting up with my ramblings.