sometimes i get the feeling
that i won't be on this planet
for very long
i really like it here
i'm quite attached to it
i hope i'm wrong

all i really wanna say
is you're the reason i wanna stay
i loved you before i met you
and i met you just in time
'cause there was nothing left

i sat here on my suitcase
in our empty new apartment
until the sun went down
then i walked back down the stairs
with all my bags and drove away
you must be freaking out

all i know is i've gotta be
where my heart says i oughta be
it often makes no sense
in fact,
i never understand these things i feel

don't change your plans for me
i won't move to LA
the leaves are falling back east
that's where i'm gonna stay

you have made me smile again
in fact, i might be sore from it
it's been a while
i know we've been together many times before
i'll see you on the other side
but don't change your plans for me
i won't move to LA
the leaves are falling back east
that's where i'm going to stay

all i really wanna say
is you're the reason i wanna stay
but destiny is calling and won't hold
and when my time is up i'm outta here
(note: please add a space here)
all i know is i've gotta be
where my heart says i oughta be
it often makes no sense, in fact
i never understand these things,
i feel

i love you, goodbye
i love you, goodbye...
-Ben Folds Five

Good fuckin song. Going your own way even if it means losing everything you hold dear, doing it for someone else and not yourself. When you think about it it's all about other peoples happiness.....not your own. To see someone happy is a feeling of all is right with the world, that there is not a thing that can change it. It's the moment that you see someone laugh or the moment when it all goes right, you remember these things. You remember making other people happy. It's something you can always remember even when you are upset, a little happy reminder. I've been thinking a lot and I have come up blank but I did get this one thing out of all of it, sometimes the things you regret the most are the things you never did........the things that should have been done but weren't because of pride, fear, or just laziness. You get what I am saying? maybe not. Oh well, i am going to eat then I'm gonna go think some more. Later.

Song Of The Day: Ben Folds Five- Don't change your plans for me
Thought of The Day: Look above

What an endless persuit all of this is. I've found that we all are chasing something that's just out of reach everyday. It can be the same thing everyday, or something new, big or small we are always chasing a dream, hope, person,thing,or emotion. It's very strange, how we are such wanting people, always craving something and never being quite satisfied with our life. We chase things, and when we don't get them we fall into regret, and don't tell me you don't have any regrets......because everybody has regrets. The trick is not to fall into a cycle of regret that just leaves you feeling miserable, you have to stop thinking about what you should have done and go make something happen. Some people like the chase, the anticipation leading up to something happening, but it has been my experience to never anticipate something that probably isn't going to happen. Does that mean to stop dreaming? No. Just to stop building yourself up to get hurt when it just doesn't happen. I build myself up all the time, but almost all the time it never get's me anywhere, will I do it again? Yes. Why? because I am an idealistic idiot. hehe. Some of you won't believe this, but I am extremely optomistic.....everything will turn out ok and that crap. Well everything does not turn out ok because if it did we would be entirely too happy and that would be bad. People don't see that there has to be bad in the world, because if there was no bad there would be no good. I know you can say that if there was no bad everything would be good, but that really isn't true. If there was no bad nothing would happen, there would be no opposition to anything, there would be no war......but there also would not be no violence. Don't get me wrong, violence is bad, horrible even......but some people choose to use it, and it is necessary for the balance of good and evil. This may sound nuts, but in my brain it made sense.......I just can't explain it in words correctly. hehe.....I started out talking about persuit and I ended up in good vs. evil.......I am that screwed up. I have nothing to fear though, because there is no normal......everyone is weird. I'm out.

Thought Of The Day: snow day......good
Song Of The Day: The Misfits- Don't Open Till Doomsday

I know there's something wrong
'Cause this night just drags on and on
The clock still says it won't be long
'Til all your hard earned money's gone
The dust and sand is what they sell
The flashing lights and ringing bells
A wish as far as I can tell
Inside this dried up wishing well
I will never go back there again
-Phantom Planet

I am not a sad person, no matter how sad I may look or how many people may come up to me and tell me I look sad I am really not. It's just that some things, some people just make me act differently......can't explain it that well all I can say is that I am a different person around certain people. I think it's actually kind of funny how no one really knows me. I know, I know.....tons of people say no one really knows the "real me"......there is no real me. You may know what I am talking about, a persona you take on around people to give them a good impression of yourself, to fit in. The nice freckled kid who jokes around and attempts to sing. Sure, that is me....but there is more. You don't see the kid who used to be a star wars nerd, or used to be deathly afraid to talk,sing,or even get in front of groups of people. The kid who stays awake at night just staring at his ceiling and thinking. The dreams,hopes,writings,manurisms, and habits.......no one knows. You think you know but you really don't. I think everyone has this side to them, but are just too afraid to show it.....or really don't want people to see it. I really believe that if we do show it though, we will feel a hell of a lot better about ourselves and others. It's the sharing of private things that scares the hell out of me, yet most of the things I try to keep private leak out. Well, I shouldn't say most because there are still a great great amount of things that people don't know. I want them to know so badly.....but I can't tell anyone. It's not a personal thing with my friends.......just I have been burned before very badly by people who I considered friends. I am very wary of getting close to anyone, even though I want to get close to you people. I might one day, and I might even tell you the stuff I have been meaning to say......wouldn't that be interesting. haha.....man I spent the whole time talking about myself.....that's pretty bad. I know it's my blog and all but come on.....people get bored or annoyed when you only talk about yourself. I want to know though......do any of you feel the same way? I think some of this stuff people also kind of deal with.....but no one has said anything about it before so I have no idea. Hope I am not alone with this.

Thought Of The Day: So very tired....
Song Of The Day: Phantom Planet- Something is Wrong

Well folks, another year has gone and a new one is here. 2002 was such an insane year, everything that could have gone wrong has and everything that has could have gone right has as well. We live in a screwed up world, and things aren't looking much better for us humans. I mean, we keep making the same mistakes over and over politically, emotionally, and just in human nature. History does repeat itself, we do keep making the same mistakes over and over again. It doesn't have to be this way though, things can change only if you want it to change. You have to get your ideas out there, discuss things with people. Instead of talking about some stupid class talk to someone about life and death, if there is an afterlife, debate abortion,the death penalty, and our nations future. This may sound like something none of us do, but it is something we should do much more often. Break out of your little world that we all live in and see the big picture. There are millions upon millions of people in this world and ecah and every one of them has the chance to change the world. If you think you don't matter, you are dead wrong. Every person no matter how large or small can make a differance at least in one persons life. Do you think that great people were just born great? No, they were made great by adversity and those around them. Everyone needs to start somewhere, and it always starts with the people they are surrounded by. Like it or not, you have an affect on another human beings life, you may not realize it but you do. One event can change your life, or one event can chage another persons life. Think about it. You know someone has an affect on you no matter how hard you want them not to, you do care how people see you. We are such a shallow people, no matter how hard we want to deny it we think about ourselves a hell of a lot more than we think of others. We look out for ourselves more than we should. Every single person I have ever met has had the chance to stop something bad from happenning to another person, but didn't take the chance for one reason or another. Granted, we are not perfect.....far from it and proud of it, but the fact that a small gesture could have made a differance for someone and we didn't do a damn thing upsets me. I think it upsets me because I know I have done it too, and even the best people I know have done it. We are human, it is in our nature. We can't change human nature......unfortunately. Well 2003 is here and I think I am going to make a new years resolution for the first time ever.........I am going to be me........and it's gonna be hard.

decided to take this one off......ask me and I might tell you why.