I'm so damn confused. Seriously I am so freakin confused right now. You think you know somebody, how they act, what they will say or do one minute. The next you have no idea who this person even is. Dammit this has happend twice and I sure as hell don't want it to happen again. People confuse the hell out of me! There is no human way that I can know for sure who someone really is, but I still am optomistic about people. To see the good in all people, even if there isn't that much of it.....or if it is overflowing. Maybe it's because I am accepted that I still hold on to things or maybe because I feel that if I upset people I will get ostracized.....I don't know. Then there are other matters that still plauge me. You ever get the feeling that you can't stop holding on to something no matter how much you want to, dammit it's just impossible to deny yourself. Who knows what will happen, or when it will happen......all I know is I'm very angry for the first time in a long time and it's not at anyone in perticular.

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds


Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on…
I'll never live down my deceit

-Stone Sour, "Bother"

I don't wanna be lonely,I just wanna be alone.

.....

Well how do you like that.....I'm happy.(yeah personal life has once again crossed over from private to this one) I saw a really good musical on Thurs......The Fantasticks. I was pleasantly surprised by this little play....it was extremely good. To tell you the truth I didn't expect it to be that good, but wow. I knew a few of my friends could sing....but wow. I try not to use names in this so I'll just say this....nice job band kids and fellow metallica fan. I don't know if that was what put me in the good mood, but it's weird....I'm starting to enjoy school a lot more, even freakin AP Bio. I think I am going insane but I am kind of liking it. This may be a transition period for me....again. Not like I am changing, eveything else is changing around me. I don't care though, I am happy and i hope to god it lasts. There is just a few more things to work out....but I'll eventually get to those things.I'm out.

Thought Of The Day: North wins......shit.
Song Of The Day: Papa Roach- Between Angels and Insects

Things change,it's the only thing that is constant in life...change. It's kinda weird thinking about how 20 years from now, we won't have the same friends, we won't see the same people every day like we do now, and we will be self relient. It's also incredibly terrifying,but someone told me once that take it one day at a time....it's hard not to think about the future though. How you can't help but wonder where you will end up in life, what kind of person you will become, and what will happen to those you love. Living for the moment may be the hardest thing for a person to do because we simply don't appreciate what we are doing now. They say that the high school years are the best years of your life, but nobody has incredibly fond memories of high school. If they had a choice most people wouldn't want to go back and relive this time. The past and the future the two things that loom in peoples minds. Where you are going and where you have been. History repeats itself over and over because of the way we are, we are incredibly predictable. There is a set way of doing things, and we follow like the humans we are. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but again the more things change the more they stay the same. Someone who lived 200 years ago didn't go to college after schooling, but he/she did feel love and pain and wanted to make an independent living. The same emotions in a different environment, that's why I worry. I know 200 years from now somebody like me will probably be going through the same thoughts I am going through now, it's a never ending cycle. It's just like nobody actually believes they will die,that all this will just keep going.....the thing is we are living creatures and every living creature eventually dies. This isn't meant to be depressing or anything, but most people usually don't think about these things.I am such an incredible hypocrite though, because I still can't accept that I will die and that some things I've always wanted to say will never be uttered. That's not the point though, it's what I do say and what I do when I am living that matters, how I affect others. We all change, but we also remain the same. I am the same person I was when I was 5 inside.....wanting to be happy,hanging out with my friends, wanting to do things for others, and of course the fingerpainting.....I mean fingerpainting rules! It's only the intellect,age,maturity and worries that increase, we are all 5 years old inside. Want proof? My brother is easily amused by shiny objects, my friends all still doodle on pieces of paper, and we all still tell the same lame jokes in different forms to get a rise out of each other. We also can't forget wanting to impress people, we always want to do that.hehe. Want to know what this whole rambling was all about.........it is whatever you want it to be about.....change,regret,death,being 5 again.....anything. Have fun gleaming stuff out of this.

Thought of the Day: "that's how you make a poop shoot!!!".....thanks ms.l....great visualization.
Song Of The Day: Ben Folds Five- Evaporated

Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I mean,no one has a damn clue what they are doing anyway but this just feels different. Like something was supposed to happen but never came along, it just fell apart before it even started. I don't know what it is, but it was definately supposed to happen and never did. It bugs me day in and day out, I know regret is baggage that feels much heavier when you dwell on it, but I can't help it. I just keep on thinking about a few moments over and over in my head. It's strange that way, we always seem to dwell on the negative things in life. I know I can't generalize about every person, but most people seem to dwell on lost opportunities instead of those that they took advantage of. It's always the one that got away that keeps us going, the one moment in which you had a chance to do something so substantial with your life,but choked at the last minute. We keep chasing the moment, hoping to do something to make us forget,but we can't. It is impossible to forget what happend, but we try day in and day out. I would love to see what some people are thinking on the average day, what runs through there brain.....the things they could never say, the memories they can't shake, and what makes them keep going on with life. I know we as people think about more than just that, but I mean this is the stuff we never tell anyone, we want to tell people but we can't. I don't care who you are, you have thought about saying something completely uncharacterstic of yourself, just to let it out and not care about the consequences. We never do though,which sucks. I don't know, maybe I think too much when I write in this blog thing,I hope people can gleam a bit out of this or i'm not doing my job well enough.hehe. I will never figure everything out, and it pains me to say this but.....I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING! (gasp!) So get what you want from my odd way of thinking, but ignore some of it because it may not apply to you. I try to keep a private blog and a public one, but sometimes they cross with unfortunate consquences. (and no,none of you will ever see the private one). I gotta go, I have math homework to take care of.....damn.

Thought Of The Day: I hate running the mile
Song Of The Day: Ben Folds- Emaline

What an uneventful day.

Back to school,damn this stuff sucks. First day back and what do I get....a Bio 9 weeks test, an english quiz and a headache.....whopee. It actually wasn't that bad though,I got the damn test over and done with and got to have mads today....new song,not bad at all. I got almost no sleep last night though (like anyone cares) so I was a bit off today, to anyone that noticed sorry bout that and I'll be back to myself in no time....I'm sorry about that as well. I recommend the movies The Ring or Donnie Darko to anyone.....extremely good movies, both with uncharacteristic unhappy endings and both movies that make you stand back and say, "huh?." Donnie Darko is seriously one of my favorite movies now, it is just so incredibly sad and so in depth. It's good to feel sad sometimes, it changes it up a bit. if we were happy all the time we would go insane,it's good to just not want to talk to anyone or do anything sometimes....all the time is not so good. When you feel sad though you almost feel like the world is about to collapse around you, like nothing you can do can make things all right.....which is usually true. it usually takes someone else to perk you back up into the realm of normalcy (is that even a word?). They don't have to do a damn thing other than just laugh at something stupid you are doing or just involve you in anything....it's so simple to make someone happy yet few people can do it. Whoops.....English homework is due....I'm out.

Thought of The Day: Touching my ass!!!
Song of The Day:Mad World- Gary Jules