Move It Along

"The hand that he lends her is able and tender, Never a step to chance"

Well, it seems I forgot about my blog completely during my hellish week before break and basically the entire time while I was on break. There is much to talk about, almost none of which I will actually talk about. The break was much more fenzied then it should have been but ended on a very high note with a trip into New York to see the Rangers. The game and night in general was just a fun time, a very relaxed feel that lacked at certain times during break. The day I came back...all I will say is that it was interesting. Since then, I have tried to drop a class and only found failure to the point that I will be doing all the written work for it over the summer but still attending class. Now THAT is fucked up.

Side Note: There is this website out there that has been making me happy for a few moments a day for the past couple of weeks, it is twisted but hilarious and updated every day. Here is the link: http://www.marriedtothesea.com

I have a psychology test I really should be studying for but it has suddenly hit me that I really don't care about this class that much. I of course will get around to studying but for the time being, I really see no need. Where has my motivation gone? I ask myself this often and I have figured out it is still there but lately has been put into other parts of my life. I cannot be completely focused on my school work and be focused on my life outside grades and class at the same time without something taking a hit. To put it simply, when I split motivation between the two...I do not do as well as I can in either. I would like to be able to say I can succeed at both to the fullest potential and one day I may be able to do it but as of now, one affects the other. The only thing holding me back is my mind, how nice.

I don't normally do this in a public forum but I feel the need tonight and all you lucky readers get to hear what is actually on my mind. This has been the most stressful few months of my entire life and I almost lost it many times during it. I tried my best to hold it in and laugh everything off or simply try not to think about it but it doesn't work. What you push down will only come out in another aspect of your life, which will cause more problems. I guess I have had trouble dealing with the illness in my family, with my mom and my aunt. I just never wanted to talk about it or think about it, even though it is always on my mind. It scared the hell out of me to see my mom put into such a helpless position and then to see it happen again to my aunt. I already lost one aunt because of breast cancer, my grandmother lost a breast to it and it just haunts my entire family. It is a sick waiting game to see who get's it next, a wait that no one should have to endure. I always wonder if my other aunts are next, or if my mother or grandmother will get it again. I also think about when I have children, if I have a daughter...she will be so prone to the disease. These things just have been laying into me to the point where I just cannot think anymore and kind of shut down. When I do this though, it ends up screwing with other aspects of my life. I am not the same person I was a few months ago and I fully realize that and am sorry for it. Those who know me, especially those that know me at school on a daily basis, I cannot for the life of me know how to be the person I once was. As a friend recently told me, I do indeed have flashes of my laid back and self deprecating self. These are just flashes though, moments where I remember what makes me happy in life and what has worked for me in the past. It seems that there seems to be a rash of people trying to find themselves lately and I would just like to officially add myself to those ranks. I cannot place blame on family issues, school issues or personal issues though...I should be able to fight through this shit and come out the other side still intact. Instead of one step forward and two back, I want to go forward or by this point just remain in place. I often wonder if all of this, all of the drama, sadness, frustration, happiness, loneliness and bittersweet acceptance of things out of my control will eventually make me a better person. Does adversity make you stronger or weaker in the end? I think both. You will be a stronger person for having braved it but you will often lose a part of yourself which you had held dear. It could be innocence or long held feelings which just do not have a place in your new life. We are never quite set in our ways completely, the flux of humanity can destroy or enlighten a person. I would like to believe it is a natural progression but I cannot, simply because people never react the same way to an experience. Sure everyone has felt happiness, joy, pain, sadness...but how the hell did they react to it? Similar as we are in our society, social groups, and biological progression...we all end up different when we reach the end. Enter the same, leave completely differently. That is why trying to find your place in it all can be an impossible task for some but comes naturally to others. We are never the same, compared to others and compared even to ourselves. I am just trying to hold onto the person I loved being but something tells me I will end up losing something at the end of this, what that is...I have no idea. I have rambled on for entirely too long and quite honestly, just typed exactly what I was thinking at the moment...which can sometimes prove disasterous. If you get anything from this, more power to you...I was just happy to let a little of mind out.