Well, the Marlins and the Rangers won tonight. I am at least happy about that much. By all logical reasoning....I should be happy. For some reason I am not. That is the problem with us, we always freaking want more.......we can't be happy with what we have. I am too tired to really go in depth, but I will say this. All the material possessions in the world can't match the one pure moment of happiness one feels when everything goes right.....never felt it, but I am sure it is beyond comprehension or expression.

The pain is my friend, it is the only thing I know.
The pain is my enemy, it is the only thing I know.
Let me out before I entirely die inside.

the more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. probably Shakespeare. or maybe Sting. but at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. the more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... it feels safer somehow. and if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. chances are it could be even worse.

words of wisdom from a friend

We can't control our feelings, and as humans that is our most horrible flaw and greatest achievement.

We are all just going around in circles. I think this is horrible, but in a way I find it kind of amusing. I don't know, it is late and I am tired. Sleep is good......

Never felt so alive when inside I am dead.

We are afraid to be happy. I know, it sounds stupid and it is probably a stupid hypothesis.....but stay with me. If unhappiness and pity is all you have known, if you stay with something that makes you unhappy because it is safe, if you fall into the same cycles of drama and apathy, if you curse emotion to the point where you wish you didn't even feel anymore.......you just may be afraid to find yourself in an unfamiliar happy position. We like to hold onto things that we know, we don't like to take chances when the outcome isn't already known......we are afraid of what we might find out and would rather wallow is sadness then challenge our fears. I am not saying people like to be sad, hell no. I hate to be sad and depressed, and I find myself getting into the same positions that make me sad and depressed.......but I think we are all just scared. We are afraid of screwing up when pressure is put on, so we fold immediately and just revert to a defensive, secretive, depressing mode. It is human nature to be afraid, it is just a little way of our bodies to tell us to wake the hell up and run. We have to ignore that. What happens happens, and when it comes to fear.....you have to face it. Good or bad, afterwards you will feel a shitload better....your fear is a driving mechanism. It may not make sense, but what we fear will eventually be our greatest accomplishment. I don't know, maybe I just don't make sense anymore.

Once again, the power of hockey works it's odd ways upon me. I am happy for the stupidest reason: the Rangers have won there first game of the season. What makes it even better though, is that they are tied with the NJ Devils in the standings. I always knew brodeur sucked.....but no one believed me. I really hope the Rangers actually make the playoffs this year....I would love to see it after a 6 year slump. There is always one thing I can count on time and time again in this crazy life I live.....and that is the power of hockey. Rangers next play the Red Wings on saturday night......I don't think I will be leaving my house that night. Maybe I will have a hockey party.....teach the unknowing the greatness that is hockey.

Thought Of The Day: Mike Dunham....is the fucking man.
Song Of The Day: Rainbow Connection- Me First and The Gimme Gimmes

If you do not know already, I have something called chronic bronchitus. This means that I ma extremely prone to bronchitus and even have some symptoms of it even when I am not sick. The strangest thing about that is, I get serious cases of bronchitus at least once a year and many different things trigger my sickness. When I get too tired, when I get too stressed or even just change of seasons sets me off. I have now figured out though, that my bronchitus can also be linked to my emotional health. When I am unhappy or depressed, I jump right into bronchitus. Today I woke up feeling horrible, and I knew that I had bronchitus. I don't know if it was my hectic week, my inability to sleep or just my being not the brightest person in the world....but I got it. The only good thing about this is that I know it will go away pretty soon, because I know how to handle it after all these years. It just worries me that I got hit with it when I am usually healthy, I don't get it until at least january....and here it is in October. I don't know what the hell is going on in all aspects of my life now since my bronchitus clock is on the fritz. I just know that it is going to be a long rest of october, and I need to get better soon.

Oh, and about the previous post.....please don't ask what is wrong, because I will have to deal with it on my own. I appreciate the concern, but this is something very few people can help me with.

It hurts, and it never stops. The feelings I have are stupid and foolish enough as they are, but never to this extent. I am slowly dying inside and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. Silence is the only option left right now, stay the fuck away so it stops hurting. I have made the mistake of feeling this way for too long, and it has to end or I swear to god I will go fucking insane. I have been lying to myself for entirely too long, and it has finally hit me now. It is nobodies fault but my own, and I can only see things going downhill from here. I have one piece of advice: Leave me alone for a while, because I am not in the mood for bullshit, not in the mood for pity and not in the fucking mood to be toyed with. I am fucking on edge and I cannot stand it.