i should warn you
i go to sleep
i know you don't
know what i mean
yet
i get upset or happy
i go to sleep
nothing hurts when
i go to sleep
but i'm not tired
i'm not tired

i know it seems that i don't care
but something in me does i swear
i don't remember all last year
i left you awake to cry the tears
while i was dreaming in streams
flowing between the shores
of joy and sadness
i'm drowning
save me
wake me up

i should warn you
i go to sleep
you won't know when i go to sleep
because i'm not tired
i'm not tired
i just sleep
-Ben Folds Five

Sleep is escape, but it haunts me every night
The feeling that I am losing the fight
There is no time left in my mind
Only the feelings that continue to bind
Take back the night one star at a time
The only effort given, is sublime
How can I feel when I am so numb
So extreme so unreal so incredibly numb.

- Me

Kinda empty.

Some things can never be explained, no matter how hard you try to reason them out. I have learned this lesson the hard way, and am still learning it to this day. The things people say and the way people act can never be taken as the truth anymore, because even when you don't know it, you are lying to somebody. The promise of false hope may be the worst lie of all, because it isn't meant to hurt.....but always seems to. I don't know weather to give up on hope, or just let hope die on it's own.....I just know that I am alone a lot, and when I am alone I think. Thinking destroys ones own judgement and ones own resolve to actually get up and try anymore, because you play out scenarios in your head......false hope that can only be dragged down. I don't know anymore if I care enough to keep bullshitting people with my false exterior personality, or just let people know how I really feel and what I really think. I believe peoples judgements are entirely too swayed by others, as an entire impression of a person can just be screwed over by one bitter voice in the crowd. We as people like to have enemies, we crave the hate that we feel towards certain people......it is so wrong, but it is true. We are a very judgemental, spiteful people who can't seem to share anything anymore, or even care of others. We are too wrapped up in ourselves to be able to see what is really in front of us, what is really there. We get an impression, we believe it to be true and we base our actions on that impression......not bothering to see what it really is. People are very decieveing, and you cannot always see things for there face value, you have to see what people aren't doing....not what they are doing. There is no way to stop you from judging, but try to see things from all sides before you rush into it. It is the small things in life that truly make up what a person believes in and will become in life......no large actions can ever match the quiet ones. Attention is fleeting, circumstance is not. If you crave attention, you will get it......but you will never truly know what it is like to be able to be someone behind the scenes, who really enjoy what is going on in life. The scenes may change, but it is more important to get it done than to want people to see you get it done. If you fail, it is all the better......then you will truly know what it means to not be decieveing, because a failed man has nothing left to hide or lose in life. That is all I have to say for now. I'm out.

I have just gotten a summer job, and I actually feel ok about it. This job seems pretty ok, the boss is an ok guy and I get to work with my friends for the summer.......it can turn out to be very good. I also have finished one of my two AP exams, Music Theory down....bio left. I was more worried of music theory than bio, so I don't think it should be a huge deal come Monday, seeing as how I took my bio final today anyways and it wasn't too bad. I am in a suprisingly busy time right now, but seem to be handling it pretty well. Oh yeah, I am also running for class secretary......so vote houligan! I also got a letter from one of my close friends at NSLC, with pictures....which was really cool. This girl was so cool, I miss the entire group I was in, we all got really close....I consider them all family now. That was a very nice surprise today, and a welcome distraction from all the hell that is going on right now. It may only take a small event to completely change your day, but when it does......hell yeah. I am still amazed how people cannot see that it is the small things people do that make the difference, not the big and open things. Subtlety is a strange trait, and if you have it.....people will see, and they will see the real you. The loud obnoxious people may get attention, but when it comes down to it.....the ones who keep there mouth shut usually have more to say than loud people ever could. This is a very strange paradox indeed, but it is completely true. Never underestimate the quiet ones, they will surprise you one day in ways you could never imagine. Oh well, I am out. Later.

Thought Of The Day: My friend......the talking garbage can.
Song Of The Day: Incubus- Nowhere Fast

I am tired of all the bullshit, I am tired of the game. I am just tired of it all.