What an interesting weekend I have had already. I've been pulled over, taken the SAT's, wrote a lot, slept very little, and it's still only Saturday. Man, I hate to see what sunday is going to be like.....wait......yeah....I'll be studying all sunday, I almost forgot about that. I think midterms are completely and utterly useless, seriously. If you have an A or B in the class, you understand the material.....you get it. Why take a 3 hour test to prove that you can study the night before to make sure you get every single little detail correct. I just don't get it. Most of this material will be totally useless in real life, and the things we need to know to survive in the world will not be taught. How about instead of learning about Imaginary Numbers( Numbers that don't exsist) we learn how to do our taxes. Instead of learning about how to use the proper punctuation mark at the end of a sentence we learn how to use a realtor, or newspaper ad when we need a place to live. Ignorence may be bliss, but it sure as hell won't be able to make you live life any better.......we need to know about certain things to survive. I seriosuly think that if people didn't have a hobby or intrest of some kind, we would all go insane and end up walking around mumbling incoherently, angry. Now you might not say a hobby is a necessity of life. Bull shit. Most people do a hobby because it is a necessity. If you didn't do it you'd lead a boring and sad life. Even if you just freakin like to go drive a car, or play a sport, that is what will keep you sane. I know this thing right here is doing an ok job of keeping me from going off the deep end, so that's why I write in it. So I will not go bonkers. Speaking of this, I would like to see everyone get one of these journal things, I'd love to know what is going on in other peoples minds. It would be interesting to see someones life told by the person themselves, cause no one knows them better. You are your worst and best critic. I don't care who you are, you lead a life that could be intersting to someone, possibly everyone. Look at me, I keep on writing boring crap everyday about my life.....and some people actually find it interesting. Beats the hell out of me why they do, but it makes me think that if I can do it......many other people could also do it, probably better. Everyone has a story to tell, thoughts to get out, grudges to bear and problems to work with.........it could be good to just get them in the open. Oh well, beats me.I've said it before, I don't know anything......I'm just trying to feel my way around and survive. I'm out.

Thought Of The Day:Think before you act, and know who your around. The one you are tormenting, won't make a sound.
Song of The Day: Metallica- Tuesdays Gone

I don't know what to feel anymore. It's really funny, but I really just don't know what to think or what to say or how to even just approach people. One day it was there, the next.....gone. Just gone. I don't want to become the person I was freshman year again, that was a horrible time of acquardness. You'd think I'd change since then, then I do something and I realize I never changed.....I just thought I did. If any of you know about it, being shy is possibly the worst thing you can be. You want to say so many things to so many people but you never do, and you always just think of what to say after it is too late. You actually get nervous talking to anyone, anyone! My chest tightens up on me sometimes so bad when I am talking to people, I actually can't think anymore. My brain just locks and a weird silence soon follows. My god, I can think perfectly normally alone, have coherent thoughts and good ideas. When I get around some people I just shut down and end up talking about something monotonous and boring. I have tried to change this, and some people have come close to making me feel not shy enough to just come up and say hi or do insane stuff around. Close, but that always changes. I want to get close to people, I really do........but whenever I get close.....it just goes straight to hell. I have only been completely comfortable around 5 of my friends in my life, and they know who I am when I am not nervous. They are the only ones, sorry people......but you just don't know how I really think. I will tell you one thing, when I get nervous I start to joke around and try to get people to laugh, which many people think is just me. Sorry, just a defense when I get real nervous. Of course I do joke around when comfortable also, but you can tell when I am just doing it to save my perverbal ass from having silence come into a conversation. I also have nervous ticks, but it's not as noticeable as you think.....no one seems to have noticed yet. Usually it is flexing my leg up and down or streatching my neck out repeaditly. Little things. When I talk on the phone though, jesus......I can't stand still, I can't think as well, I always end up twitching my eye....which is just greeeat. I don't know, hope I don't become freshman year Brian again......he was worse even than the stuff I just described.Oh yeah, if I happen to ignore you.......don't take it personal.

Thought Of The Day: it all happend again
Song Of The Day: California- Phantom Planet

Hockey Idea below, but this is a normal entry. Well not really normal, no entry is really normal here. It's completely insane blabbings of a really screwed up kid, here for your amusement and enlightenment.

I went to a hockey game last night, Rangers vs. Flyers. It was a good game, but it's just too bad the Rangers had to suck in the 2nd and 3rd periods and lose. Hockey isn't the point though of this particular entry though. It was when I was coming home and it was completely dark outside my car and everyone had just gotten silent, even stiffy. I just looked out the window and thought about everything. I know it's impossible to think about everything all at once, but I just about went through it all. I thought about my life, my friends, old friends, people I was close to, people I am close to, what I was going to do with my life......stuff like that. I really really thought about it for a good long while, and I came to this conclusion. We all have no idea what we are doing. No one knows what they are doing, ever. We are feeling around for something that works, and when we find it we want to hold onto it even if it means changing yourself. We all want so badly just to feel good, even for a short time. No pain, no anxiety. Just good. Just to be comfortable. I find humans are the most ridiculous animals I have ever seen. We strive for happiness but feel only to hold ourselves back into sadness, for some reason. We are compelled to not just go and do it, but to hold back and think about it. Sponatneous events are always the best events. Did you ever notice that? You always remember doing something without thinking about it, while all the planned out moments in your head fall by the wayside. Your first impulse is almost always the right impulse. Humans live with there minds and not with there hearts. Logical thinking is never right when it comes to matters of emotion and feeling. You feel with your soul, not with your mind. You just sometimes know something is right without and explination or reason. It just feels right. I can't explain it, but I know you know what I am talking about. It's that time when you just know that everything is right with the world for a split second, and then it's gone. You remember it though, you strive to get back to that place. It's impossible though, it just happens. The best things just happen. I don't know about you, but when I think about some of the happiest times in my life it makes me so sad. I just know that things change, people change and you can never go back to that place again. There will be other memories that you can create, but some memories just refuse to go away. They will stay with you, and you will have to live with them........living knowing that happiness can breed regret and pain........but everyone wants to be happy. It's some kind of cycle that no one can explain, but it's there and it's working on you even now. Now happy memories also can be great, and make you feel happy. Some memories though just hurt so badly, especially if they were really really good memories. I can't explain it, and I don't want to. I just want to get back to that one moment again, so I can go after it again. If this made any sense to you, then congratulations, you are just as insane as I am.......feels good doesn't it. hehe. I'm out.

Thought Of The Day: Wishing Well
Song Of The Day: Don't let me down- The beatles