I don't know what to feel anymore. It's really funny, but I really just don't know what to think or what to say or how to even just approach people. One day it was there, the next.....gone. Just gone. I don't want to become the person I was freshman year again, that was a horrible time of acquardness. You'd think I'd change since then, then I do something and I realize I never changed.....I just thought I did. If any of you know about it, being shy is possibly the worst thing you can be. You want to say so many things to so many people but you never do, and you always just think of what to say after it is too late. You actually get nervous talking to anyone, anyone! My chest tightens up on me sometimes so bad when I am talking to people, I actually can't think anymore. My brain just locks and a weird silence soon follows. My god, I can think perfectly normally alone, have coherent thoughts and good ideas. When I get around some people I just shut down and end up talking about something monotonous and boring. I have tried to change this, and some people have come close to making me feel not shy enough to just come up and say hi or do insane stuff around. Close, but that always changes. I want to get close to people, I really do........but whenever I get close.....it just goes straight to hell. I have only been completely comfortable around 5 of my friends in my life, and they know who I am when I am not nervous. They are the only ones, sorry people......but you just don't know how I really think. I will tell you one thing, when I get nervous I start to joke around and try to get people to laugh, which many people think is just me. Sorry, just a defense when I get real nervous. Of course I do joke around when comfortable also, but you can tell when I am just doing it to save my perverbal ass from having silence come into a conversation. I also have nervous ticks, but it's not as noticeable as you think.....no one seems to have noticed yet. Usually it is flexing my leg up and down or streatching my neck out repeaditly. Little things. When I talk on the phone though, jesus......I can't stand still, I can't think as well, I always end up twitching my eye....which is just greeeat. I don't know, hope I don't become freshman year Brian again......he was worse even than the stuff I just described.Oh yeah, if I happen to ignore you.......don't take it personal.

Thought Of The Day: it all happend again
Song Of The Day: California- Phantom Planet