Ian Owns My Blog

Today I would like to bring you a special treat, Mr. Ian Markey's discussion of The State Of The Union Address from both the Republican and Democratic point of view. Ian is an equal opportunity satirist and honestly no one is spared with this critique. Without further ado...Ian Markey on The State Of The Union:

Hello America, I’m Ian Markey, and tonight I will be your guide, nay, translator through the STATE OF THE UNION (bum bum bum). I will also analyze the Democratic response per your telepathic insistencies.

And so it begins, to thunderous clapitude of the highest order. I mean Christ, you’d think that Christ just walked in the door. As I type it’s still going (see, I even had time for parenthesis)… OK, it’s about to end. Wait, no….. It’s still going. This is going to be a long speech….

Haha, he just kissed Condoleezza Rice…

That clapping took 3 and a half minutes… ok, down to brass tacks

He knows the word ‘rostrum’? Now he’s going onto bashing democrats for not voting for his stuff. Good will my ass beeotch. “Tonight the state of our union is strong and together we will make it stronger.” That’s so cliché.

Yeah, get them bad guys! No easy life for us. Opportunity? Isolationism is inviting. Only way for anything good to happen is to keep letting me, W, do what I want. Democracies like those that elect terrorists? Do those invite hope? Yeah, we’ll pay for freedom, as long as he cleans up after himself.

1945 – 2 dozen democracies Today – 122. How does he know that? Yes, women can vote.

At this juncture I must find a new recording because real player blows monkey balls. I shall download it, ILLEAGALLY, on limewire.

Ok, I think I found a version that will work. But it’s hard to find where I left off, but this sounds close. More on hope and peril and junk. And our union is strong again. Oh, haha, this is his speech from 2003. My bad, hold on.

Ok, back on track. Back to that bit on democracies through the nations. I think he just reffered to them as lowly. Hmmm, why do the Iraqi’s use purple ink. His new Axis of Evil – North Korea, Iran, Zimbabwe, Burma… Well good, we won’t have to fight someone good until Zimbabwe and Burma are taken care of. Murder, attacks, strength, fear, dead school children, dead brits, look ma no head! But, yeah! Freedom. Who is this schmuck, Mel Gibson. This speech is making me sad and all those retards are clapping? Shut up! Haha, he can’t say ‘vicious’. No peace in retreat, no honor either. Ok, so the founding fathers intended for us to run everything? What’s this about evil, he’s using harsh words there… More on America not being isolationist. Ohhhhh ho ho ho, we liberated Europe, haha, I bet they loved that bit. We gonna kill you! On the offensive in Iraq… shouldn’t we have finished by now? Like you said originally? Good, I’m glad the Iraqi’s can finally kill each other instead of us… took ya long enough. Man, he is beating a dead horse here. Talk about fluffing your speeches. He’s been talking bout how great Iraq is for the past 10 or so minutes. And we’re winning and we will win and we will stop them and we will build them and we will thrill them, I dunno, I’m not even sure if I’m listening at this point. That’s a good point, let the military make decisions and not the government. With that thinking and your idea about allowing military rule in the wake of a disaster than we would have a military dictatorship. Butt Montana! More of the “I was right, gimme time” He just called Iraq ‘strategic’ hmmm, smells like oil. It’s also vital, well, we need the ooze as much as we need the booze. I love how he says “our men and women in the military” instead of “our brave military citizens” It’s like we should love him because he acknowledges women separately from men. Now he’s reading a letter from some dead soldier basically giving the president a hummer (if you don’t know what that is, than don’t bother asking) And he just pointed out the widow and kids. Aw, they look sad. Reaching the 1/3 mark of the speech he has said the same damn thing over and over. Whoopee! Terrorism! You know, if you make that face long enough it’ll stick, same thing with terrorism, you keep blabbing bout that and it’ll happen. Hamas must recognize Israel, disarm… uhh something, something and peace! Hooray. Muslim democracies aren’t American, but apparently democracy is still the hope of every person. Now he’s onto Iran. You all must know that Iran is not actually religious or fundamentalist. They’re actually fiercely national (that’s kindda bad too) but they’re hatred of America is more focused on the fact that we’re mean to them instead of us being uhhh, pagan Christians I guess.

YEY ECONOMY! Wait, no, more on isolationism… compassion…God… slave girls? Whoah, this guy is a mind trip. AIDS in Malaria? Is malaria a new country somewhere, and shouldn’t it have malaria instead of AIDS? Damn, more attacking and military and the (heh heh) homeland security…. They’re like the coast guards, the retarted half baby that no one wants to play with. NO NO NO, No patriot act. Bad Bush! The constitution says you can do that? I really doubt there’s anything about spying in there, unless it’s something like “Don’t”. Haha, no we need friends and allies. You know I got excited for a second there when he said economy… but he’s still kind of on this “terrorism, spying, isolation, puppies” thing he’s got going. Give me support, be my sports bra!” I’ll clap for that…

Prosperity? Economic? Vigurous? Yes, on to the next topic! We made more jobs than Japan and EU… good news for Walmart. The world envies us. Damn, even in the economy part he’s still talking of fear. Bush likes immigrants, well they are good for the nation, I’ll agree with you there. Stagnant? Wowzers. Half way through. Americans need more money… apparently the tax cuts have saved life as we know it. But if it expires, then America will so be pissed off. So make em permanent. Ok, but you know what, I didn’t get any of that 880 billion dollars. Whoah, he wants to cut the deficit in half by 2009? Unless he’s talking about the yearly deficit I don’t see it happening. Haha, he made a funny, he’s 60, baby boomers, not baby booms. More on social security. You know, instead of more taxes, deep deficits, or cuts in other spending… why don’t we just get rid of social security all together? It’s a half-baked program anyway. Create a commission to investigate the effect of admission of baby-boomer generation on social security? I got your commission right here buddy, it’ll suck. Massively. Butt plugger. The world can’t out compete me, how many Nepalese can get stoned and write a response to the State of the Union, yeah that’s right, only 17! But I do it better… I forget why, but yeah Bush!

Ok, on to affordable health care. The poor and the elderly get healthcare… everyone else, here’s a lollie. Health Insurance stuff. That reminds me, I owe the hospital $29. OBGYN’s are in high demand? Looks like I’m off to med school! Heh heh, “America is addicted too oil!” So when you were on crack, did you develop a cleaner, cheaper and more effective way of blasting off? Ethanol can be used as a car, oh man, that’d be bitchin, go to the gas station and fill up your car than make a mixed drink while your driving! Ok, back to reality, now he’s ending our reliance on mid-eastern oil.

Yeah, let’s be creative! Haha, the “American Competitiveness Initiative” You know, I hate Math and science, why do you have to fund super computing, nano technology and alternative fuel… what about poetry, pottery and poopery… haha, sorry, I couldn’t help it. NO, stop it with the math and science. We can teach other things too… idiot. This is so biased. Why can you only succeed in math and science. If you raise and entire generation as chemists than America will loose it’s soul. Don’t support this initiative! This is total crap. We are a compassionate society. Drug use is down? Haha, I don’t think so. We are going through a ‘revolution of conscience’ God, this makes me gag. This is so sappily done. Blah blah blah, no more teen pregnancies, wah wha, no more gays. Kids can’t learn love from gays, or apparently from disease ridden hurricane zones? I’m getting really confused. Oh well, next point. They’re clapping for Alito. They’re clapping him a lot. Ok, now a bit on Sandra Day O’Connor for being such a swell person and all that. Haha, “No human-animal hybrids” Whoah whoah whoah, life is a gift from our creator. Bad Bush, secular governance is what I want. God, all of this is starting to blend together, If I only knew how many times he’s said ‘compassion’ What, another initiative? This is getting irritating, all these initiatives, they’re so gay. “Stay in School, you fool” New Orleans was given $85 million, Iraq was given $100 billion or more… yeah, that seems fair… turd. Yeah, kill AIDS! I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this rant before, possibly in another of his speeches. Blah Blah Blah, more circles. “Seems like history can be turning over a large arc into an unknown shore” “Will we turn back or finish well” “History’s written in books, and courage” “May God Bless America.”

And I think he’s spent, yep he just shot that presidential load all over that podium. What is my response… Meh… Nothing new, nothing too surprising, unfortunately no funny slip ups “Women of veil…”

Now the democratic response…

Yes, let’s serve other. Haha, it took 45 seconds for the democrats to start the bashing… good job guys. “I want to offer some good news tonight, I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance…” Haha. Hey, wait, no, Virginia is not the best run state in the union… New Jers…. Oh wait, that’s right, never mind, carry on. Yeah, pay the bills and live within your means Freedom or we’ll kick you out the house! I would make my kid pay the mortgage bill, freeloading bastard. Maybe the government needs AmeriLoan? Yes random democrat, there is a better way. This is so facetious. Oh that’s right, Virginia’s just so great, you know, if you love Virginia so much, why don’t you just secede, we don’t want you anyway. Ok, now old people are too dumb to find their drugs. And children keep getting sick… Oddly enough this guy just now mentioned Iraq after nearly 6 minutes (no clapping) kudos to you my good sir, but now you have mentioned it, and I’m sad. Ok, here we go on the regular intelligence/body armor spiel. You know, get off it, I’m sick of you two arguing. It’s always the same crap, just everyone shut up and let me run things, I could have everything in order in 10 minutes. You know, if Oil came from somewhere than the Middle East (Say the mid west, or Ireland) than would we be bitchin bout it so much? Yeah, we probably would, but instead of invading Iraq we would probably invade Cleveland. Haha, he just said ‘better way’ twice in a row. This guys must be baked out of his mind. 1 minute left. America must become one. Like the Spice girls song… or Tomas Jefferson. Tonight we pray, what’s with all this God, I didn’t vote for him, so keep him in his celestial playpen and out of my ‘rostrum’!

Haha, well that was enlightening.
So this is the deal kiddies… we’re fucked too many ways to even feel the pain.

1) The economy will fail once gas prices go up (and they will be at ^$5 a gallon by 2008) and that’s bad since America today essentially has no savings account anymore…
2) When Iran goes to the Security Council America will act and a war will begin. Since the Army is over stretched as it is the draft will be reinstated. Oh, and college no longer gets you out of service…
3) Kids will learn all math and science to build bigger and shiner bombs (and probably microwaves too) but will not learn the arts that would give them a moral conscience to know that those things are bad (except microwaves) We will have a country of conservative, bomb making, androids… and that sucks
4) Finally, no one gets along and no one thinks for themselves in government. That incessant clapping, God, that just screams to me ‘Stalinist Overlord’ It’s creepy and it’s got to go. And then in the response, wah wha wah, democrats are so smart and awesome and republicans hit us and take our lunch money. God, this whole government makes me want to puke.

Fuck it, I’m gonna live in the Bahamas.