I am nothing of a builder

"Destruction fell about our feet and we were free to go"

Matt Stiff left me some messages online today that piqued my interest greatly. They were apparently about a part of a Com project he had to complete on analyzing himself, which is always a horribly hard thing to do. Part of the project though was to find someone you know, hopefully a friend, to list your top five attributes and top 5 liabilities. You literally had to find another person to tell you what was right and wrong about you. I saw this as a pretty interesting assignment for one reason only: You had to face what people thought about you head on. It is so hard to get an honest read on what people really think about you, positive and negative, that this was an assignment not only in communication but also in your ability to step outside of yourself and objectively judge. Well, I gave Matt what I thought made him a great person and then the five items which could be seen as liabilities(which took forever to think about 5 liabilities about your best friend because honestly, Stiffy is a damn fine guy). I then asked Matt to do the same for me because I am really into examining the human condition and what people think of me. I won't share what I said about Stiffy but what he said about me, I kind of want to put in, if only for the fact that this blog get's pretty boring to write sometimes and this is a change of pace that is incredibly well needed.

My Top Five Attributes(According to Matt Stiff):

1. Trustworthy
2. Easy To Talk To
3. Concerned With Other People's Well Being
4. Dependable, Always Willing To Help People Out
5. Funny

My Top Five Liabilities(According to Matt Stiff):

1. Try To Make Everyone Happy, Usually At The Expense Of My Own Feelings
2. Avoid Conflict Like The Plague
3. Tend To Change Stories Depending On Who Is Listening
4. It Seems Like Sometimes You Have Trouble Really Speaking Your Mind and Just Coming Right Out and Say What You Feel Without Censoring It or Dumbing Things Down
5. You Eat Slower Than Any Other Human Being

Well, I agree with everything he has to say to be honest. This guy knows me better than possibly anyone else alive and it shows. Since it is more fun to talk about what is wrong with you than what is right with you, I will skip straight to the liabilities. I knew every liability was true but I guess we try not to look at our faults, so I never really thought about any of them in depth. Looking at them though, I realize that I do all these things on a daily basis without even thinking anymore. They have become absorbed into my daily life to the point where they are routine. I plan to change that the best I can but to be honest, I do not see some things being resolved by a simple declaration in an online journal. I am aware of the liabilities and that is good enough for now. The one that bothers me the most to be honest is the changing stories one. I really did know I was doing this but I guess I never really thought about why or to what extent I do it. It is really never a manuver filled with any sort of plan, I just happen to do it because sometimes I believe certain aspects of a story may be harmful or funnier with additions or subtractions. To an extent, most people do this but I think that I may do this a little more often than others. This is the one liabaility I wish to change above all others because honestly, the other ones are not going to change anytime soon. I have lived with trying to please others all my life and I am comfortable with the fact that my personal feelings take a backseat to other peoples. I also do censor myself...heavily. Defense Mechanism or am I really just afraid of what I have to say...who knows. Finally, conflict...fuck that shit, I do avoid it like the plague. I also eat very slowly...but that is only because I enjoy savoring my food...or something like that...that last one was really a joke anyways, albeit a true one. So, what happens from here? Beats the shit out of me, if you want to know what someone thinks of you...positive and negative...just ask them, that occassionally works.